an overload of knowledge gives rise to helplessness which gives rise to loss of direction. then maybe this pursuit isn't of knowledge in my league. it's of the league up there in heaven, smth i can never reach. i just knew i was never up to the cut.

but then there came this message from an anointed man. he said that purpose is out there in your life. you live for that one day, that one moment where you discover why you ended up where you are, why everything in your life worked out that way.
just like beautiful esther in the bible, she kept herself well, her looks and her health and became queen, never forgetting where she came from. she was a queen so loved by the king that he wld do anything for her and then was when she could save her whole nation.
just like joseph, hated by his brothers, sold as a slave to a household that saw his heart and talent and promoted him. from there the king picked him out as well by his ability to interprete dreams and made him second in the empire. it was then where he found his purpose, he saved his nation from famine and reconciled with his family.
that one moment. we who toil will not toil in vain!