i'm just a fraction of wat i was before..a long time ago.

innocence is a virtue. being without emotional baggage is to be cherished. oh man i sound like an old hag regretting the milk lost.
cynicism eats away joy. spending time with Him is not a pie in the sky..it helps in self reflection. self reflection tt doesn't produce negative thots, tt doesn't go the same big round. it calms down the soul and on a higher level, brings light to life. i'm assuming (cos a long time ago i was satisfied with wat it brought me) tt i would slowly know where life is bringing me to. i now think tt it's pointless gg for prayer mtgs cos why you praying for other issues when you're messed up yourself. or praying for youself for tt matter, cos He doesn't grant them anyway.
right now, my advice to pple is always "why bother, just let things naturally play out" or "you've done alot already, don't need to do anything else". does it result in a calming effect or does it show tt i think there is nth else worth fighting for? i justify my stand as hitting one's head against a wall, so stop doing anything as early as possible.
at work, i take so long to figure things out tt pple are always trying to give me solutions, and these just make me more lost. i end up following blindly watever they do. how does a chemeng degree help in figuring out (a)why the siren can't stop, (b)why the handswitches can't activate the valve when they've already been hotlooped, (c)why the local reading and the computer display says different things.
i've so much more time these days so i'm able to ponder a lot more. but yet my pondering doesn't yield any solutions. it's pathetic.

he hangs ard to see whether i'm occupied before he makes his plans. he notices when i become terse. he makes decisions to do things with me spontaneously.
it's a small step for mankind but a Huge step for him.
it's the beginnings of a step out of my shell.

greatest game i've seen on clay so far. french open with quite an unknown french man in the semis, albeit a black, still makes for great atmosphere in roland garros. wat's more playing with no 1 federer!
monfils serves were aces, top spins and 200+ kph speeds. but he ain't cool, always losing it, just too much expression till it becomes irritating. then when federer starts dropping his shots, he tries to follow suit but doesn't do them too nicely.
federer is skilful to say the least. his calm demeanor and mysterious persona adds to his charm. monfils did him a lot of pressuring and he did lose his calm quite a bit, adding to his unforced errors. then he started varying his play, changing depth and angles..top notch tennis. he dropped his shots close to the net, something that his opponent never expected. imagine drop shots plus top spin. IMpossible to return!
just the most delightful match i've seen in the 2008 stanley cup.
can't wait for nadal hottie vs federer finals.

being exposed to this whole new world, i feel even more burdened and saddened for them. they are stuck in the own little circle, perched on top and looking down at who they term as "peasants". when you are up there, isn't there all the more a need to understand and experience the lives that pple who are not as fortunate lead, to know how pple outside your circle are? for wannabe-socialites, wat is the point of PR-ing so much when you are treated only like an accessory and not an asset? wat is the point when PR-ing only yields weather talk and not substantial conversation? networking is all about wat you can offer to others, not wat your rich-relatives-and-by-default-you can offer. and so partying is a means to get by that, of getting seen with The Right Pple but if you've got wat it takes, The Right Pple will know you, ain't it. saddening that the only way of letting loose they know is to get drunk. today i enjoyed a refreshing kampong experience, i enjoyed the times talking to Gang Head, First Class, Sporty etc. maybe these pple feel inadequate mixing with different types of pple cos they always wanna feel like they know everything? i don't know.

on to a different issue, singaporeans are born complainers huh. food must be fed to them. love served on a platter to them but even then they reject it. wat is church for? not for its pple but for God, to serve Him, to love Him. if Man doesn't treat you right, who cares, you live for God, not for Man. you do wat you think is right in God's eyes, not on condition that Man treats you well (or wat you perceive as well). Man gets jaded easily, God doesn't. after a few times of unanswered sms-es, realise that it is possible and almost sure that Man will get jaded. once bitten twice shy. how wld you expect to get fed if you're not receptive, if your attitude is not right, if you rely on Man's actions and not your love for God? saying that, i am not perfect..no human is. i need forgiveness from whoever i've wronged. and i need pple to teach me how to do things right. if everything is kept inside, without open communication, there will always be misunderstandings that never get SOLVED. i don't like situations that are forced, i like to go with the flow, i don't like to act spiritually-superior than others, i believe there is always things i can learn from pple that are supposedly lower than me, i believe that we are all peers. don't wait for pple to act, you'd be waiting your whole life and getting very bitter while at it. take INITIATIVE!

nothing he does is ever enough for me..why? he's so accommodating, changing so much for me. but i only still have heart for one.

sermon was so appropriate. always can't help letting it all out when i'm in His presence, tt camouflage can never be hidden from Him. it was about forgiveness and it's not that when we forget it, we've forgiven; or when the pain's gone, we've forgiven; but it's the coming to terms with things, to learn, to rebuild and to accept. one point struck me: rebuilding. naturally, trust takes time to regain, till then, the innermost chambers are out of bounds. 2 years ago, when hurts had build up, there shd already have been a time of distance, but there wasn't. i guess tt's why explosions occur.

taking all 3 classes on my own and design project away from my frens has given me so much time alone. the solitude is therapeutic. there's no need for nature to reflect and to get in touch with other realms, it's a state of self. like the principle of praying without ceasing.

i must learn to love myself. to stop blaming myself and take concrete steps ahead. to create personal spaces. to avoid being taken advantaged of and discarded after. then i can learn to love others, love the unlovable and the sidelined.

2008!!
the year of new beginnings
of graduation
and of the start of my life destiny